The 2016 Trump Games

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This is not a political post. I want to start there. There are hundreds, likely thousands, of people more qualified to write about the world of politics as it pertains to Donald Trump than I am. People whose job it is to analyze his every word and anticipate his every move. I am not one of those people.  But, like millions of other Americans, I am utterly fascinated by the man.  Similar to the way I am fascinated by the fact that people religiously watch a woman pop zits on YouTube or that everyday on my “news” feed there’s a story about Kendall Jenner. But fascinated nonetheless. Which leads me to this post.

The million dollar question on everyone’s minds right now is, of course, what will Trump actually do if he wins the White House? My best guess is that no one really knows at this point, not even Trump. So instead of focusing on Foreign Policy or Women’s Rights, instead of worrying about what impact he will make on the major issues facing our Country, or how Melania Trump will re-decorate the Oval Office,  I’m sticking with what I know. And what I know is, kids.

My five year old son loves to play games. And, as has been well-documented on this site, the Mommy Dearests are not big fans of playing games. That doesn’t seem to matter though. He still wakes up at 6:30am everyday convinced that I would love nothing more than to play a rousing game of Star Wars-Hockey-Soccer-Lion Family. That is all one game in case you are wondering. Also, in case you are wondering, I have no f*cking clue what the rules are but apparently I mess them up every time. Anywho, I started thinking about the fact that he will begin Kindergarten soon and will then be introduced to the games of my youth. Red Rover, Capture the Flag, Simon Says…these games and countless others paint the picture of a classic American childhood. If you close your eyes, I bet you can think back to playing them during recess in your own childhood. The sound of the gravel as you ran to hide behind a tree during hide-and-seek. The jump ropes whistling through the air as you waited for just the right time to make your move in double dutch. The familiar site of little Patrick crying his eyes out because he got pelted in Dodgeball and broke his glasses. Again. This is America, friends!

As such, I started to get a little worried. If we can agree on nothing else, it’s that Trump is a total Narcissist. Thinking of this, and in my overly-caffeinated state, I then began to panic. What if he decides that everything in America needs the “Trump Stamp” (not to be confused with the Tramp Stamp, though that could be a possibility too) on it? If you’ve ever visited one of his hotels or resorts you know that “Trump” is everywhere. The man loves leaving his mark. 

Note to Self: Hotwire deals may lead to a Trumpcation
Note to Self: Hotwire deals may lead to a Trumpcation

And what better way to really ingrain yourself in the minds of future generations than to make sure they know who you are starting at a young age? And how will they know who you are at a young age? Games. That’s how. Thus, my firm belief that Donald Trump, if elected POTUS, will change the face of children’s games as we’ve known them for generations. Because really, what the hell else is he qualified to do? Sorry, I had to. Below I have outlined a few examples of how I fear the Trumpster will change our tried and true. You can agree or disagree, but whatever you do, don’t make me give up my woman card. In a house full of men, it’s really all I have to cling to at this point. 

RED ROVER

Well first off, this game must be re-named. Everyone knows that Red = Communism and since we are trying to make America great again, the new name shall be “Red, White and Blue Rover”. It may not roll off the tongue quite as well, but who cares, we’re now living in a Country where our children Pledge Allegiance to the flag each morning as they gaze at a picture of this! Clearly eloquence is a thing of the past. In the old game, two teams of kids line up opposite each other. The first team calls one player from the other team, and chants, “Red Rover, Red Rover, send (player’s name) on over!” That kid then runs to the other line and attempts to break the “chain” formed by linked hands. If they break it, they get to take one member of that team over to theirs. If they don’t, they stay there and are now part of the opposition’s team.

I imagine that Trump must really love this game seeing as there is a child-made wall involved. But, it really should be taller in order to prove how tough our American spawn are, so in the new and “improved” Trump version each participant must also have another kid sitting on their shoulders. Twice the height, double the fun! 

CAPTURE THE FLAG

This one is tricky. You know, because of the “C word” and all. El Trumpo is no fan of people who are captured. But I guess in this game since the winner is declared by who steals first, it may actually be okay. The way it’s done now, if an “enemy” player is caught in the opposing team’s territory, that kid is either out of the game, frozen in place until freed by a member of their own team, or thrown “in jail”. In the new Trump version, once you are captured, you are banished immediately. If you are weak enough to get captured, you clearly don’t belong in this great country of ours and while you don’t have to go home, you sure as heck can’t stay here.  No word yet on whether BB guns will be allowed to enforce the rules, but I’m thinking probably yes. 

KISS CHASE

This game may not be as widely-known as its less-pervy counterpart, Tag, but from Trump on out, this will become the Official Children’s Game of the United States of America. In the current version, a “tag” comes in the form of a kiss. All members of one sex are “it” at once and chase players of the opposite sex until everyone is caught and kissed, then the roles are reversed. The only difference in America’s new Primary School Pastime is that the roles will never be reversed. It will always be the boys “tagging” the girls and they cannot tap out. The only exception to this rule are the girls deemed as ‘fat pigs’, ‘dogs’, ‘slobs’, and ‘disgusting animals’. Those young ladies may be excused from the game so they can run laps around the football field and try to improve their lot in life.

DODGEBALL

Throw a ball as hard as you can at your opponents until there’s only one aggressive juvenile left standing? This is a perfect game and needs no additional Trump Stamp. As you were Dodgeball, as you were.

In the end, I suppose this was a bit of a political post. But it’s really only because I care about the future of our Country’s children’s games. I swear.

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I see the future, and it looks pret-ty aggressive.

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