Category Archives: Funny or Cry

This Is What Happens When You Lose Your Libido

In a different life, or perhaps it was mine but it was just so long ago that it doesn’t quite seem real, I was sexy and cool. I used to play the guitar for 3-4 hours each day, I was accepted into a top acting school in NYC, I would draw and write. I volunteered to walk shelter dogs and sew baby clothes. I read a zillion books, had lots of friends, was always up for an adventure. I was interesting, funny.
 
Now? What am I? Who am I? How did I get so lost? Let me explain. Ten years ago I got married. Six years ago I had a baby. I have heard legends about these magical, unicorn women out there who are able to maintain that sexy vibe all throughout those first years of being a mom. Well played in your sexy nursing bras and knickers! I applaud you, you sexy bitches. However, that ship sailed without me. My main focus when purchasing nursing bras was raw nipples, not making sure I looked hot in them. So with that in mind, my post-baby bras looked something like hideous, beige, padded, uniboob-creating nightmares. The sexiest I managed to get during that time was roaming the house looking for my phone with my tits hanging out through the nursing flaps. That was just the beginning of the decline. In the past six years, I became the lowest person on the totem pole. I forgot all about me. I forgot about all of the things I used to do and I forgot all about taking care of myself. What I had become was “Mom”. Period. End of story.
 
Recently, while stuffing myself into my favorite, stained yoga pants, I finally realized that the buck stops here. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Looking back at me was a boring, sad and slightly fat version of my former self. Since moving to LA after having a child, I had surrounded myself with other moms. These moms had become my very best friends but I felt like they didn’t know me as anything other than being a mom. They didn’t know any of the things that I used to do or the person that I was before. My husband and I had turned into a functional team – getting through the days/weeks/months as parents. We didn’t even know each other anymore it seemed. What the fuck was I doing? I needed to get my shit together. I needed to devise a plan before I withered away into a sea of granny panties and bounce house birthday parties. So behold, here is the plan I have hatched for us Moms who have lost themselves.
 
1.   Start going out more! You need some time with your women friends. I am not talking about grabbing a coffee to catch up on the latest preschool organic bake sale or how last week your house was overrun by the stomach flu. I am talking about getting dressed up, going out to dinner, having the extra glass (or three) of wine, going to the bar, dancing and staying out too late. I’m talking about laughing until your stomach hurts and letting loose. A little innocent flirting never hurt anyone either – a small reminder that you are still pretty/funny/interesting can work wonders on the self-esteem. Feed your soul with those friends and those nights out.
 
2.   Plan a trip with your partner. Alone. It can be an overnight at the seedy motel outside of town or a week away at a five-star resort. Find a babysitter, friend or grandparent who is willing to come and watch the kids so you can go and relax without being asked for a snack every four minutes. Imagine the amount of time you can spend focusing on each other when you are not worried about packing enough snacks for the five-minute car ride to the beach? You may even have a chance to remember why you decided to do all of this together in the first place!
 
3.   Do you. Change the strings on the guitar, read the book that has been sitting on the shelf for 3 years, take pole-dancing classes. Whatever it may be that connects you back to yourself, do it. Take care of yourself and put yourself first. If that means getting a massage once a month or taking time each day to meditate. Taking quiet moments for yourself helps calm your mind and your body. 
 
4.   Up your sex game. We have all had a time or two when we have fallen into a sexual rut. Amiright? The kids went to bed way too late, you ate too much pizza for dinner, you have massive PMS for the 3rd week in a row, your husband didn’t take out the trash and you secretly hate his guts, your binge-watching of “Better Call Saul” has all gotten in the way of your getting laid. Either way, it is high time you trash those granny panties and get yourself some new sexy knickers. Sick of the same old routine? Preach. Time to up the ante a bit and channel your inner sex goddess. Remember her? Dig out that lingerie that you retired years ago or go treat yo’self to something new. Black lace can fix a lot of problems and I have a sneaking suspicion that your partner won’t care about the price tag when looking down the barrel of a little sex romp. Get after it, woman!
 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that my life now isn’t cool. I just would like to add back some of the old me to my new life. I am not condoning that we all go out and get drunk and laid by 22-year-olds. The point is, we all need to feel sexy, pretty and powerful in our own right. Kids are amazing, no doubt about it, but being a mom can run you into the ground faster than you can say “diapers”. Self-care almost seems taboo. If you take too much care of yourself, people say you don’t care about your kids. If you completely neglect yourself? Well, you end up where I was! It’s a fine line but one that all moms need to be aware of so they remember that they are important too. So on that note: I am back, bitches.
Watch. The. Fuck. Out.