This year the Mommies at MommyDearestInc. have a few special requests and while we’ve tried to be nice, we have yelled, bitched and possibly drank too much wine while having a good cry over the finale of “Grey’s Anatomy”, we can assure you that everyday we are just doing the best damn job we can. Yes, sometimes we are just trying to get through the day and others we deserve medals for the amount of crap we accomplish from sunrise to sunset. Please, we beg of you to overlook the short-tempered days when we’ve dropped our arms, said, “fuck it”, ordered Chinese food and popped on “Jake and the Neverland Pirates” so we could lose ourselves on the internet. We are only human, Santa, we are only human. Below you will find our Christmas List. We obviously don’t expect all of the items found there but one or two Christmas Miracles would be much appreciated.
The Mommies at MommyDearestInc.
MommyDearestInc.’s Christmas Wish List
- Some god damn peace and quiet.
- Just once (we don’t want to be greedy) we’d like for our children to go get dressed the first time they are asked.
- No more crying. When the child is upset, they will simply say so (even if they can’t talk yet).
- The entire La Mer skincare line
- A luxurious trip to Bora Bora
- Susan Dearest should really have a new car since 5 years ago someone kicked the side in and last year someone stole the navigation, the backup camera and the heat/AC controls.
- Daily scalp massages
- Magical Nail Gnomes who appear while we are sleeping to keep our nails shining bright and who clip our kids’ daggers while they are at it.
- An unlimited amount of whatever we are craving in that moment
- Wine, tons of it
- Someone to cook our family healthy and delicious breakfasts, lunches and dinners everyday. We hear this can be found over at Goop and we want it too!
- An ass wiper
- An ageless face and timeless style
- A lifetime supply of SoulCycle (bring Theresa Dearest something else or she might think that Krampus came to town)
- To poop in peace
- For everyone in LA to start using their effing turn signals! It’s a part of the car for a reason!
- For one person, just one, to open up a door for us when they see us struggling with a stroller, diaper bag, crying child, etc.
- Painless hair removal
- Time for painless hair removal
- A car that cleans itself
- A house that cleans itself
- Children and/or dog who clean themselves
- For our size 27 jeans to feel loose again
- A week of sleeping alone without anyone kicking us in the back, snoring or flopping their arms on to our faces while we try to sleep. Hell, we would even accept one night of this.
- A Waddlectomy
- For a diet of coffee and cigarettes to be OK – because we’ve read that it makes you really skinny and not that being really skinny matters but man, would it be nice for something fun to be healthy.
- A new wardrobe of casual, yet sexy clothes
- Weekly massages
- Sisley mascara
- An assistant who will help field the nonstop questions from a 4 year old, grocery shop for us and keep our imaginary staffs in line so that our houses look like those places in the magazines.
- First class tickets whenever we fly. Fuck it, a private jet would be better (hot pilot included).
- For lunches to pack themselves
- And finally, for peace on earth because if we can’t have all of these luxuries, we’d love for those truly in need to not have to deal with the bullshit they have to deal with these days!
We might be asking a lot but the squeaky wheel gets the oil so there’s no harm in asking!