Category Archives: Parodied Parenting

Raising a Free Range Child in 2016

Please don't jump, please don't jump!
Please don’t jump, please don’t jump!

Parenting these days is tough and there’s no denying that all of the information out there can be confusing and contradictory. Since there has been so much helicoptering in recent years and not enough Xanax to go around, experts and non-the-like are coming out with articles, posts and books about letting our children have more freedom. Our kids, like our eggs, have to be “Free Range”.  There’s only one problem, sometimes when people try and put to practice this exciting, “Free-Range Parenting” or what our parents used to call “Parenting”, they end up in the slammer. Continue reading

You Can Have It All – 8 Steps to Becoming the Ultimate Woman

At 5am I am adjusting my calender, storing breast milk I pumped at 4am, having a powerful cup of Joe and getting breakfast ready for the fam.
At 5am I am adjusting my calendar, storing breast milk I pumped at 4am, having a powerful cup of Joe and getting breakfast ready for the fam.

Nothing infuriates me more than a panel of privileged, white men telling me what I can and cannot have. I’ve read numerous articles and studies about how a woman must choose between work and raising a child and how even when she does, she’ll never be satisfied. This is hogwash and I am starting to think that women are extremely whiney regarding their guilt and dissatisfaction about their status in life. Stop whining ladies, you are your own worst enemy. If you get your butt in gear and organize your life correctly, you most certainly can have it all. Below are eight steps to becoming the ultimate woman.

  1. Spend less time whining and more time doing.

Instead of moaning about there not being enough hours in the day, grab yourself a double espresso, mix that with your favorite energy drink and WHAMMY! Suddenly you will find that being tired is a thing of the past. There are 24 hours in a day for a reason and if you have a clear “To Do” list, you can utilize every hour available to you. The National Sleep Foundation recommends at least 8 hours of sleep per day to live a long, healthy life but they don’t know what it feels like to have it all. Plus, you are in your prime, this is when everything is yours for the taking. If you sleep now, you’ll miss your chance. We’ll sleep when we’re dead, ammiright?

  1. Give Equally to Everyone and Everything.

Women spend a lot of time complaining about having to choose between thriving in their careers or being a good mother. This always give me a good chuckle. If you just get up a little extra early and go to bed a little later than you’d like to, you can accomplish it all. When you get home from your fruitful career at 8pm, you actually have plenty of time run up to your children’s beds to read them “The Little Prince”, kiss them and tell them you love them. Take five minutes to relish in their angelic states while they sleep before you get to work.

  1. Use your time wisely.

Don’t throw on your yoga pants and take that bra off when you get home from work, it will only make you lazy! After the kiddos are down, you get to business in the healthy lunch department. Pay your Instacart shopper a little more to divide your bags into food groups so when you start putting the groceries away, you can save six or seven minutes by having your food pregrouped. Also, Sunday Funday, my ass. This is the most opportune time of the week to get your shit together. I find that if you use the Planet Box lunch boxes, you can split up all of the organic food you’ve bought and grown at home into glass storage bowls and then just grab them from the fridge when you are making lunches. Do not, I REPEAT, do NOT ever let them eat lunches made at school. It makes you look weak and it will give them ADHD. Just because a school says the food is organic, doesn’t mean it is.

  1. LEAN IN.

The more projects you have at work and at your child’s school, the better you’ll be able to manage your time. If you have a lot on your plate, you will thrive. There is nothing more fulfilling than to see your hard work come to fruition. So, your boss is asking you for something unthinkable in a completely unreasonable amount of time and your inbox is exploding with an email chain from Harlow and Skyler’s moms about how the committee needs you to complete the spreadsheet regarding possible allergens (environmental only, don’t be a baby) in the school yard so that you can all tackle ridding your children’s educational setting of poisonous pollens and the like? Skip lunch that day (you really shouldn’t be taking a lunch any day unless it’s a business meeting). While you are packing your child’s lunch, pack one for yourself. Your thighs have been touching lately anyway and we all know that’s a sign of not having your shit together.

  1. Don’t Neglect the Big Guy/Gal!

Yes, yes, you’ve only slept four hours a night for the past three years but nobody likes a complainer and if you want to keep your significant other’s eyes on you, you’d better find time to keep that body slender and save enough energy for passionate love-making every night of the week except Sunday (Mama’s got lunches to organize into the wee hours and that lemon tree is not going to prune itself). Keep things spicy between you and your loved one by hitting up the adult gift store before dinner on date night (once a week minimum if you don’t want to get divorced) and make sure you are constantly replenishing your lingerie collection. We don’t want them to get bored! Yes, after your passionate love-making session you will need to excuse yourself to really take advantage of the hours left in the night to pay the bills, return Harlow’s mom’s emails and come up with a brilliant campaign for that multi-billion dollar account you just landed at work. You’ve got this.

  1. Don’t neglect yourself.

There’s nothing more unattractive than a women who doesn’t take care of herself because she thinks she’s “too busy”. Request a lock on your office door so you can get that landing strip groomed while never having to leave the office! Celebrating a full bush is in no way a power play. Don’t have an office? Don’t fret, reserve the conference room for a “very important meeting” in a pinch. You can even take a conference call to be super-efficient. No one has to know! Keeping yourself groomed to enhance your love life while working at the same time? GIIIIRRRLL, you are the epitome of time management!

  1. Balance Your Damn Life

So, you are up for a promotion but you’ll need to land a huge account in Europe first, where you’ll have to spend an entire week wining and dining a gaggle of Middle Eastern businessmen. Unfortunately, little Betsy has to build an entire Mission out of toothpicks and her project is due the following week. Dad has poker night and a lot of important meetings himself so just pack up Betsy, grab the Nanny and head to Spain – The Missions’ birthplace! After you’ve landed that multi-billion dollar deal, Madrid here we come! It’s in Betsy’s best interest to have a list of interviews lined up with Spanish Historians who focus on the American Missions. She’s sure to get into Harvard and once again, you’ve nailed it, Mama!

  1. Keep Your Social Life in Tact

Between reffing your daughter’s field hockey games, date night and trying to keep up with your exercise regimen, your evenings can get pret-ty full. Don’t let that hold you back from showing off those amazing culinary skills you’ve been working on for all of these years! Cooking is a form of affection and love, so invite people over at least once a week to show them you care. Don’t be one of those losers who order-in when people take the time to get a babysitter. UGH, the worst. Make sure your flowers are fresh, your table setting is magazine-worthy and your guests, well let’s just refer to the old expression, “Show me who you walk with and I’ll tell you who you are”. POWER, POWER, POWER! You can squeeze in a coffee with “Linda, The Stay at Home Mom” any old day but to get ahead, make sure that dinner table is full of extremely interesting and successful people. You’ll be the talk of the town and we all know the way to people’s hearts (and vacation homes) is through their stomachs. Show them what you’ve got woman because you’ve got everything.

Homemade pasta with freshly foraged wild mushrooms is what's on the menu for tonight's dinner!
Homemade pasta with freshly foraged wild mushrooms is what’s on the menu for tonight’s dinner!

I know it can get overwhelming but nothing great is easy. It’s your job as a woman to be successful, raise amazing children, nourish your family, invest properly, avoid wearing active wear outside the gym, keep a clean car, have a picturesque home, emotionally invest in your marriage, your children and your friendships. If you really look at the big picture, it’s not that much so please, for women everywhere, stop complaining because you can have it all…just lean in, ladies…but not too much because you don’t want to look desperate.

 

Saving the World – One Green Bean at a Time

Hello Dearests!

Sanctimama here to bestow upon you a pearl of wisdom that will enrich your life, save our planet, and give you hope that you can make a difference. As the environmentally conscious mama that you are, I am sure you have asked yourself if it’s worth making your own baby food. I am here to say, of course it is. I have read all of the reviews on Williams Sonoma about their baby food making machines and have come to the conclusion that if you care, even one iota about your child’s health and the world at large, then you will understand the benefits of this gift that you will be giving them, the gift of life. By making their meals by hand, you are showing how invested you are in an eternity of success for your little one, life-long eating habits and equally as important, not endorsing these big corporate monsters who are jamming their steroid-infused, alien monster “foods” down the throats of our sweet and innocent babies. Have you seen these four year olds with double d’s? I cannot support the child brassiere industry.

First, did you know that jarred baby food could sit on the shelves for decades before it expires? DECADES! Dearests, you may as well spoon-feed your child Alpo if you are going to allow those genetically enhanced pureed green beans to enter into their pristine systems. I can’t even walk down the baby food aisle without having a breakdown for the little ones being forced to eat this poison. I take one look at those little “beef sticks” marinating in a brine of salty, pesticide juice and it sends chills down my spine and fills my heart with a profound sadness. Secondly, the manufacturing of these jars and pouches of food is killing our mother earth as quickly as Raid kills a cockroach. Do you want your little one ingesting RAID? I didn’t think so.

The best and only advice I can give you is to grow your own organic produce for your baby food. Trusting a store that says something is “organic” is putting your health in jeopardy. Never assume something is organic, even if the label it says it is. The only way to know for sure is to grow it yourself. Also, foraging is an excellent way to get those beautiful, rare items that can’t always be found at your local organic co-op. Don’t get hung up on the amount of time these foraging trips may take – try to think of them as magical adventures into nature with your children and if that doesn’t work, try remembering that this will be the perfect opportunity to wear those Hunter boots and to use that hand woven basket you bought in Micronesia while you were there saving the lives of the endangered Miniature Unicorn Beetle. When you say that you don’t have time for foraging it is really just another way of saying that you don’t love your child. Bringing your child into nature to find these incredible foods will bring you closer together – allow nature to be your classroom. I can assure you, once you get into the swing of the growing, harvesting, and foraging, it becomes second nature and the hours just fly right by. Another benefit of foraging is that using unique and rare items will only broaden your little ones palate. We all want to have children who grow into eaters who can decipher a crimini mushroom from a porcini mushroom and not just know the difference between a Twinkie and a Ring Ding.

Let me tell you that I have felt nothing but bliss and an indescribable inner peace since embarking on this culinary adventure. My little one is taller than all of those little Gerber babies and I can assure you that she is also much smarter and can do more somersaults than those little runts could ever dream of doing. I owe all of this to my Organic Farrow and Winter Squash medley and to our family’s superior genetics. The hours I spend creating these delicacies are worth every second. My babe knows that her food is made with love and a food pouch says, “I just don’t give a fuck”.

So grab your hand-woven basket and your “Eclectic Guide to Foraging in Abundance”, written by yours truly and get up into your neighbors fruit trees and get picking.

XO,

Sanctimama

©PENGART.COM

For I am not Perfect

 

donut girl - featured image

Greetings Mommy Dearests,

Recently, I have been losing sleep over a certain issue and now I am going to stop obsessing over it and share it with my sisters, if for nothing else, absolution. The other day while I was walking to my Hot Yoga class, I came across a happy child, frolicking down the street alongside her mother. Everything seemed perfect, as things sometimes do from the outside but as I was passing her, I realized she was eating something I hadn’t seen in years…she was eating a donut.

There they were, just strolling down the ignorant path of life, mother and daughter, unbeknownst to them (I’m assuming because they might be poor or don’t read) that this little girl was ingesting pure poison. Now, I didn’t stop to ask them where they had bought the donut because initially I reflected upon the fact that we at our home, once or twice a year, do splurge on Fonuts. We are not North Koreans for God’s sake but this holed pastry looked too sugary to be a Fonut and as I said before, I think they might have been poor or not able to read so how would they even know where to purchase a Fonut? Here is where my moral dilemma begins; I did nothing to stop them. I watched in horror while this poor (literally and figuratively) little angel orally inhaled a giant, doughy, powdered-sugar piece of nuclear waste and I did nothing. How are they to ever know the long-term damage fried, GMO laden, refined sugar-treats can do to a person? I’ve spoken to hundreds, make that hundreds of thousands of people regarding childhood obesity and while this child was in no way obese and was actually skipping and eating (another child-danger I abhor), I am sure she was on her way home to a dinner of fried chicken with a side of something fried.

As I continued on my way to Hot Yoga, something began to burn deep inside my soul. My own selfish need for a good sesh with Raaj stopped me from fulfilling my responsibility as an educated woman to gently put myself between the duo and their destination to gift them the knowledge that I bequeath. For people pay me hundreds, make that millions of dollars every year to bestow my self-studied informational facts about nutrition upon their blank slates of a mind and I failed. I failed as a person, I failed as an educator but mostly, I failed as a mother. How can I call myself a sister to all women if I am not able to protect, scold even, their children? I should have scolded that child for her joyous innocence and I should have scolded that poor (literally and figuratively) mother for not knowing in 2015 that sugar will turn her neglected daughter into either a crack whore or just a plain old whore.

I apologize to you all today and solemnly vow that I will never ever again walk by a person, self-poisoning themselves with what we once used to call snacks or treats and not say a thing. You have my promise, sisters – you have my promise. I sign off continuing the fight for a world without sugar, a world without hunger and world without judgment for those who just don’t know.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be fulfilled “– Luke 6:20-23

Ciao4Now,

Sanctimother

Sanctimother
Sanctimother

Breast is Best!

breastisbestpic

Hello Mommy Dearests,

S.M. here, and this week I’m going to cover a topic near and dear to every woman’s heart: breastfeeding. Ah, just typing the word makes me lactate with joy! At this point, you’d have to be living under a very large rock to think that any other method of feeding your baby is appropriate. But don’t just take my word for it.  Hundreds, no, thousands of studies have proven that a breast fed baby is likely to be smarter, healthier, richer, taller, and less likely to kill you in your sleep than those peasant formula feeders. These facts are indisputable.

But, listen Dearests, I’m nothing if not sympathetic, and I know that breastfeeding can be a bit hard at first. So, I’m here to give you some support and helpful tips that will keep your little one sucking for years to come! The biggest fear women seem to have about nursing is the pain. Well, I’m here to set you free from that misinformation. It’s quite simple really. If it hurts, you’re doing it all wrong. Breastfeeding isn’t supposed to hurt – it’s supposed to feel good, magical even. Imagine what it would feel like if you met Rainbow Bright while riding on a Little Pony on your way to eat ice cream with Punky Brewster. Pretty magical, right? THAT’S HOW BREASTFEEDING IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL! Hands down, it is the single most beautiful feeling any woman could ever experience. So, if you don’t feel that way, don’t worry, it just means you need to try harder and do better.

I’ve also heard some women lament that they have low milk supply. I find this one rather hard to believe since God clearly designed all us gals to provide for our babies, just like all other species on the Planet. But, if you’re feeling as if you may not be producing at your peak level, there is a very easy solution…breastfeed more often! It’s so simple really. The reason you feel you don’t have enough milk is because you aren’t nursing or pumping enough. And, as we all know, since breastfeeding is the single most important thing you can do for your child, any and all activities other than nursing should come a very distant second to your attempts of upping that supply. I recommend pumping immediately following each nursing session and never go longer than two hours between feedings or pumping in any 24 hour period. Sure, you could sleep or eat a little bit while your baby naps, but that would make you a selfish mommy, and I know you wouldn’t want that. This may sound exhausting, but I assure you, once you get that milk flowing, exhaustion will turn into EXHILARATION and you will forget all about sleep!

Now, I feel it is my obligation to also address the F word. Formula. Oh, how it saddens me to think of all the women who have been manipulated into using this evil product, made by evil people who only want to do your precious baby harm by raping their poor little virgin guts! I weep for them and I weep for their babies.  Why, when nature has made such a perfect food would you even contemplate feeding them anything else? Please, Dearests, do not fall for the propaganda. Formula will rob your child of any shot they may have at overall wellness. They will be cursed with non-stop ear infections, they will be overweight, they will only want to eat skittles and drink Pepsi for the rest of their lives. But, above all else, they will feel no attachment towards you whatsoever. To them, you will forever be the woman who deprived them of the joys of breastfeeding. If you have a daughter, this will likely lead to her hating her own femininity when she grows up. If you have a son, this will undoubtedly lead to him being a lifelong bachelor who suffers from emotional detachment and MAJOR mommy issues. I tell you this not to scare you, but rather just to lovingly give you all the facts. The choice is yours. If, for some reason, you do choose formula for your child, please do the responsible thing and make it yourself. It may take up every ounce of free time you (don’t) have, but trust me, you will sleep better at night knowing that you made the best of a bad situation.

Lastly, and most importantly, whatever setbacks you encounter, please remember that breastfeeding is a marathon and not a sprint, and just like a world-class athlete you should never, under any circumstance, give up. When you get Mastitis and become faint with a fever and the chills, just keep nursing. When your little one has reflux and screams bloody murder every time you place him at your breast, just keep nursing. When you are a working mother and need to sleep so you can function at a high level in order to keep your job, just keep nursing. When you, quite simply, just want to have a (mother effing) drink when you (mother effing) choose, don’t give in to the urge. Just. Keep. Nursing! 

I am here for you, Dearests. I am cheering you on from the sidelines and I know you can do it. And, when all other methods of encouragement fail to inspire you, just remember that if you quit breastfeeding, you will be judged. Not by me, of course, but by everyone else. And, I wouldn’t want that for you.

Love, Sanctimommy
Love, Sanctimommy