Serena Dearest

Serena Zanello
Serena Zanello

This week Mommy Dearest Inc. turns to our early childhood expert, Serena Zanello. Does Serena have any children of her own yet? Nope, but that doesn’t mean a thing. Serena is not only a savvy entrepreneur of architecture and design, she is also a wise, wise old woman, trapped in the body of a 30-something, Italian-born genius. Like her boobs, her accent and her impeccable control of English grammar, her insights are a gift to the world.

Dear Serena,

I am hoping to get a little advice on how we can get my four year old daughter to start wiping herself after a poop. My husband and I have been her wipers for the past 4 1/2 years and frankly, the job is getting old. Also, any guidance in how to avoid spending hundreds of dollars on new underwear would be great too since there may be a steep learning curve on this lesson and we don’t want our sweet girl to be the kid with the “skiddies” at school.

Thanks!

The Poop Patrol

Dear Poop Patrol,

I had just few experiences with poop and kids, I will gladly share my knowledge about this topic.

Years ago I was watching a friend child – the age of your daughter – every time I was with her…magically she had to poop and asking me afterwards to have her ass wiped!

So, first of all is not my kid and as much as I loved her the only thing I was seeing was a full grown person asking me to be wiped… and well, I have a lot of fetishes, not poop (this is probably a chapter for another type of blog!) So, I decided it was time to teach her how to avoid this weird human interaction, not just for me, or her sake!

One day she had to poop (Again??? How big is the intestine of a 4 years old?) so I undressed her just to be sure to avoid some messy accident and left her on the toilet. Right afterward I heard the call, not a holy call, just the usual “ I’m done!!!!!” But I was ready this time and with a steady voice I told her to wipe herself, she saw mommy and daddy doing it so many times. I didn’t ask her to design a bridge!

She called twice, then start screaming and crying, rolling on the floor naked while me ignoring her. It was time for her favorite cartoon, then her favorite snack but I told her she couldn’t move from the bathroom till she was cleaned and dressed. I waited 10 min…silence. Then I saw her with a disappointed look carefully take a piece of toilet paper and she did it! (I won’t describe how). It worked!!!

Well maybe you will need to try this several times! That was my lucky poop adventure!

Good Luck!

Serena

Serena Dearest
Serena Dearest

Dear Serena,

My four month old is becoming very addicted to his pacifier. I’ve never been a crack addict, but I imagine the feeling is somewhat similar. If it falls out of his mouth while he’s sleeping, he will scream and cry until I put it back in. This happens throughout the night, and quite frankly, I’m fucking exhausted. I don’t want to take it away from him completely because I know it helps soothe him, but at what point is enough enough?!

Sincerely,

Kelly

Hi Kelly,

First of all, thank you for spelling pacifier for me. I thought till now it was called Pussyfire. Now I understand why my friends ask me to speak just Italian with their kids if I’m alone with them. Well, I’m not a crack addict neither but I will try a simple trick my grandparents used with me when I was addicted to my thumb!

Soak the pacifier in grappa, it’s so strong it will put your baby to asleep in a minute but in the mean time the flavor is not so great – especially for babies – so while he is falling asleep he will also spit it away and soon he won’t want it anymore. Just be careful your baby is not going to become addicted to grappa. You will spend peaceful nights with a tipsy baby and a cheerful husband/wife/partner. (PC)

Let me know, it still works for me some nights too!

Bests,

Serena – The pussyfire expert

P.S. If grappa doesn’t work try with Rum.

P.S.S. If it doesn’t work with the baby try it on yourself, just use a standard glass instead.

Dear Serena,

My preschooler is super obsessed with her vagina. She talks about her vagina, my vagina, the cat’s vagina all day long. When she isn’t discussing vaginas, she is exploring her own. While I understand this is a very normal and healthy thing to do, I am worried it’s becoming too much and even when I tell her this is something we save for private time, she doesn’t listen and will spread-eagle it in the middle of a dinner party. How can I curb the vagina action without putting shame on the subject and causing her to have issues later in life?

Love,

The Vagina Momalogue

Dear Vagina Momalogue,

I think this is a very interesting case of early signs of Nymphomania. Don’t worry, I had it too and loving it now! In my experience she will do it just for a couple of more years till 13 or 14 when she will find someone who will get obsessed with it too. When it happens her focus will slightly move to something else, I’m a teen expert too, so call me back when it happens.

For now I will leave her free to show it or play with it, it’s not fire for god sake! At least she won’t destroy your house with her obsession!

With all my respect,

Serena

*Please email your parenting questions to mommies@mommydearestinc.com

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7 thoughts on “Serena Dearest”

  1. Now i have my mind clear! Thank you Serena Dearest!
    Just a question: did you ask that kid if she washed her hands? I am obsessed with what can you find on kids hands..!!!

    1. Dear simona,
      I didn’t ask. I thought it was more efficient to analyze one task at a time for a good outcome!
      Washing hands is a completely complex different matter and I think we will need a chapter dedicated to this topic!!!

      I just say something all experts knows : dirt and bacteria help to build a strong immune system!!!
      Thank you,
      S.

  2. Dear Serena Dearest, I have a problem but I don’t have the child yet. It seems I am only interested to have a chinese baby and I am not chinese. It might be an obsession. I am not sure you will understand this but please try. Also, I don’t like Chinese food at all. Do you think I can successfully raise my future unborn child from China? Thank you. Sincerely, Worried S.D.C.

    1. Dear simona,
      I didn’t ask. I thought it was more efficient to analyze one task at a time for a good outcome!
      Washing hands is a completely complex different matter and I think we will need a chapter dedicated to this topic!!!

      I just say something all experts knows : dirt and bacteria help to build a strong immune system!!!
      Thank you,
      S.

    2. Dear Signorina del Covo,
      I understand well!!! I have an obsession for pizza and I’m not sure I would like to have a child who won’t eat pizza!!!
      I’m terrorized by that!

      Please feed your child with pasta and pizza starting from the right moment you will get your new Chinese baby! You won’t have any “culture shock ” problem!!!
      Thank you.
      S.

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