A few years ago, Kelly Dearest was a Producer on the Food Network series, “Worst Cooks in America.” One of her contestants, her favorite as a matter of fact, was Professional Poker Player, Tiffany Michelle. Now, Tiffany is the kind of person who sort of makes you crazy with all her fabulousness. She is impossibly beautiful – um, hello look at that picture, multi-talented (in addition to making major bank by schooling everyone with her poker prowess, Tiffany also kicked ass on Season 15 of “The Amazing Race,” and is a talented actress and musician, most recently appearing on the Emmy nominated soap opera series, “DeVanity” ) And, here’s the real kicker, she is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. But, as Kelly learned, she can’t cook a fish to save her life! So, while we wouldn’t rely on Tiffany to make us Christmas dinner (sorry, Tiff), we thought she would be the perfect Expert to give us some much needed Holiday advice when it comes to dealing with our MFKs. Enjoy! Oh, and for more of Tiffany, check out @tiffnymichelle on all social media!
We have an Elf on the Shelf. An Elf on the Shelf is an Elf that flies into your home on Dec. 1st and every night he flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa about your child’s behavior. Every morning, he’ returns and lands in a brand new spot in your home. You can’t touch the elf or he will lose his power and not be able to fly for a few days. He’s wicked creepy but he gives me such leverage over my daughter’s behavior. He is more powerful than Santa because he is this tangible being who is forever looking at her from across the room in the most disturbing way. My question is, how do I keep this power all year long with out the creeper of an Elf to assist me?
Power Hungry Mom
Dear Your Majesty,
Don’t fight the power…. join that creepy ol’ elf and create an entire ELF ARMY to help you battle your daughter and the psychological warfare that she’s inevitably waging down on you on a daily basis. All is fair in love and war, mama! I introduce to you, “The Elf On The Shelf (“EOS” for short) Army, err… “family”!
JANUARY – OUTTA WORK ELF
DIY Craft Tip: Construct tiny newspaper coat and glue tiny cardboard sign between EOS hands that says, “Will work for milk & cookies”. If possible dot EOS chin and face with unshaven scruff.
FEBRUARY – CUPID ELF
DIY Craft Tip: Dig Hunger Games Katniss Everdeen action figure out of toy box, steal bow & arrow – glue on EOS, add white decoupage diaper around genitals.
MARCH – ST. PATRICK ELF
DIY Craft Tip: Keep it simple. Just spray paint the damn Elf green. Job done!
APRIL – FOOLISH ELF (aka Jester Elf)
DIY Craft Tip: I got nothing. Wow, this mom stuff is hard!
MAY – MAMA ELF
DIY Craft Tip: Print out small photo of your face and glue on EOS.
Optional: Add tiny apron or skirt for feminine flair.
JUNE – PAPA ELF
DIY Craft Tip: See above – do dad version.
JULY – AMERICAN ELF
DIY Craft Tip: Rip American flag off one of those cheap little wavy flag things (this is not illegal, I just Googled it) and wrap around EOS, toga style.
PG-13 version: Tie EOS onto an actual firework and shoot that motherfucker off on July 4th. When he shows up the next day (add a slight char or melt for effect) minor’s minds will be BLOWN! Max power shall be yours!
AUGUST – Mean mom: “Back To School Elf” / Nice mom: “Summer Elf”
SEPTEMBER – (dealer’s choice)
Based on whoever little Jimmy or Sally’s character obsession is at this point in the year, use that shit to your advantage and dress EOS accordingly. (If played correctly this has the potential to be the most powerful EOS Elf!)
OCTOBER – Ghost Elf
DIY Craft Tip: Adorn EOS with white paper sheet or toilet paper with eyeballs cut out.
NOVEMBER – Turkey Elf
DIY Craft Tip: Buy additional EOS. Buy miniature turkey figurine. Chop off both heads. Glue EOS head onto turkey. WAH-LAH! Thanksgiving EOS!
DECEMBER– You got this!
With the holidays coming up, I am hoping you can help me explain to my four year old how reindeer fly. This has become an obsession for her and she is determined to get an answer that fits her very high expectations. She is also very curious as to how Rudolph wound up with a red nose when all the others have black.
Exhausted and out of answers,
Dear Are You Smarter Than A 4yr Old,
Ok, I know you’re tired of questions, but just one more question. Is your 4yr old, like, a stupid 4yr old or a really smart 4yr old? I need to size up my opponent here to know what I’m working with. Do you think we can get the whole Pinocchio plotline past her? I.E. lies = red nose. What about a Popeye-esque, “Eating lots of broccoli makes him fly, of course!”?
If you think this is much too juvenile for Little Miss Smarty Pants, and fear she’ll call you out on this bullshit, then get on Amazon and order the largest educational book on Reindeer that you can find. She’ll be pissed come the Epilogue but you’ll have bought yourself at least a few days of peace and quiet, and the chance to conjure up a better answer/solution.
I have two kids – one of them is four and a half and the other is six months old. The four and a half year old has a Christmas list a mile long. The six month old would be happy to chew on his diapers or my socks all day long. My question is, do I have to buy the six month old Christmas presents this year or can I use that money on more practical things, like booze and a nice pedicure? I know he won’t remember it, and he already has a wide assortment of things to drool on, but I’m afraid one day he will find out his brother got every LEGO set known to man and all he got was a stocking full of Aquaphor and overpriced baby wipes.
Santa’s Little Helper
Dear Mama Needs A Brand New Bag,
Listen, what Baby 6 mo don’t know, won’t hurt him. Just like the occasional drop on the head isn’t really going to do any serious lifetime damage. (Speaking from experience as an often-dropped, frequently neglected twin myself).
By the time Baby 6-mo is old enough to resent you for the blatant Lego discrimination scenario, there’ll be flying cars and pocket teleportation machines. Present favoritism is really the least of your worries. My advice is to start saving your money now cuz THAT futuristic shit is gonna cost you a pretty penny, but it’ll be well worth the lifetime of “Cool Mom” points it’ll earn you. Just chalk it up to investing in baby’s (and your) future!
If your sleep deprived mom brain really can’t process that kind of foresight and financial planning, a permissible solve is buying a cute new baby bottle for Littler Mister’s gift, and filling it with a shot of your favorite alcohol. Not only will you feel guilt-free from not having given Baby a present, but you’ll have purchased a practical gift, especially considering his current affinity for chewing on and drooling on things.
(And for any disapproving and judgey friend or family member, you simply explain that the booze is the latest sterilizing technique from Dr. Gomindyourownfuckingbusines).