Tag Archives: #funnymoms

The Dirty Truth About the Holiday Season

PURELL® Multi Surface Spray (our new best friend)

The holidays are finally upon us and we here at Mommy Dearest Inc. couldn’t be more excited. Well, perhaps if our holiday included an all-expenses-paid vacation to Fiji, but we don’t think any amount of Santa lap-sitting is gonna make that happen!

Instead, we’re focusing on what we do have: friends, family and just a touch of Botox from time to time. Blessed. But as we all know, the holidays can be filled with their fair share of stresses as well. Some of them we can’t control, like the seemingly never-ending winter break from school, but some of them we can. And that’s thanks to our new best friend, PURELL® Multi-Surface Disinfectant Spray. We’ve partnered with GOJO, the makers of this brand-new product, to tell you about how we’ll be using it during the holiday season!

Theresa’s Story –

The holidays are the perfect time for family and friends to gather at your home to eat, drink (maybe a bit too much) and be merry. There are so many great traditions during this time of year and like many of you, one of ours is preparing a meal together. Each year, we spend the day eating while we cook so that nobody is even remotely hungry when the turkey finally hits the table six hours later. However, there is one part of these holiday feasts that I can’t get down with, and that is the poor turkey.

From the moment that large, whole, raw bird enters my fridge until it is fully cooked, I worry about how to protect us all from food poisoning! My husband is the official turkey cooker so while he is slathering the bird with herbs and butter, I am a one-woman army scrubbing away raw bird from my fridge, countertops, and kitchen sink – all the while praying our guests won’t be treated to a bleach-flavored meal.

Killing germs and bacteria. Like a boss.

When I heard that the PURELL® brand was introducing a multi-surface disinfecting spray that is approved for use on food prep surfaces, kitchen appliances and is worry-free around kids, pets, and food – I couldn’t wait to give it a try. My family has been using PURELL® Hand Sanitizer for years to rid our hands of germs while on-the-go, so it’s a brand that we know and trust.

This spray kills 99.99% of bacteria and germs in 30 seconds so that raw turkey juice doesn’t stand a chance!  And, since this product has an alcohol-based formula, it kills germs like bleach but doesn’t have those harsh and irritating fumes. Being someone with very high sensitivity to smells, I can honestly say that the scent is light and not at all bothersome.

Needless to say, PURELL® Multi Surface Spray will definitely become part of our holiday traditions as well as our cleanups around the kitchen and the rest of the house, year round. Keeping my family and home germ-free will be so much easier with this product on hand. I can even use it on all of those mangy, over-loved stuffed animals that my daughter loves so much – but that is another story altogether. Get your clean on this holiday season with PURELL® Multi Surface Spray!

Kelly’s Story – 

For me, the holiday season is filled with wonderful memories. Lazy mornings by the fireplace, listening to Christmas songs for a solid month and never getting sick of them, and of course, extra time with friends and family. But there’s one thing that comes with the holiday season that I absolutely dread. Illness. Before I had kids, I never realized the full extent of misery that comes with cold and flu season. Cut to last winter. I will spare you all the gory details, mainly because I gag just thinking about them, but let’s just say there was a moment while my husband and my two-year-old were barfing in unison when I considered just jetting off and calling it a day.

Alas, we made it through. But as the cold and flu season rears its ugly head this year, I can feel my anxiety rise to the surface once more. Enter this brand new product, PURELL® Multi Surface Disinfectant. 

I first learned that this product was coming onto the market several months ago, and I’m not exaggerating when I say I was stoked. I have PURELL® Hand Sanitizer in every diaper bag, purse and pocket of my car. So to think that I could have a surface disinfecting spray to use in my home definitely piqued my interest.

But, as an environmentally conscious Westside Los Angeles mom, I also hesitated to dive headfirst into the spray (metaphorically speaking of course) because I worried about harsh chemicals and odors. We’ve used an eco-friendly multipurpose spray for years and while I love that it doesn’t smell like a chemical factory, I can’t say with certainty that it’s actually disinfecting anything. 

With the PURELL® Multi Surface Spray, however, I feel like I’m getting the best of both worlds. It disinfects and cleans, and its alcohol-based formula kills germs like bleach without harsh chemicals and irritating fumes.  And, since it’s a no-rinse formula, you don’t have to worry about wiping down surfaces with water after you use it. Though I can’t guarantee your children won’t spray or dump water everywhere 30 seconds after you disinfect and clean, as mine typically do. 

I love his little hands and feet. Just not on my dining table!

So, as my two little tyrants, I mean angels, spread their germs all over our counters, tables and pretty much every other surface in our home, I’m taking comfort this cold and flu season knowing that I’m doing everything I can to kill those pesky germs with the help of PURELL® Multi Surface Disinfecting Spray. If you love PURELL® products as much as we do, you’re definitely going to want to check this product out at amazon.comwalmart.com, and jet.com

Happy Holidays to all, and to all a germ-free night! 

This Is What Happens When You Lose Your Libido

In a different life, or perhaps it was mine but it was just so long ago that it doesn’t quite seem real, I was sexy and cool. I used to play the guitar for 3-4 hours each day, I was accepted into a top acting school in NYC, I would draw and write. I volunteered to walk shelter dogs and sew baby clothes. I read a zillion books, had lots of friends, was always up for an adventure. I was interesting, funny.
 
Now? What am I? Who am I? How did I get so lost? Let me explain. Ten years ago I got married. Six years ago I had a baby. I have heard legends about these magical, unicorn women out there who are able to maintain that sexy vibe all throughout those first years of being a mom. Well played in your sexy nursing bras and knickers! I applaud you, you sexy bitches. However, that ship sailed without me. My main focus when purchasing nursing bras was raw nipples, not making sure I looked hot in them. So with that in mind, my post-baby bras looked something like hideous, beige, padded, uniboob-creating nightmares. The sexiest I managed to get during that time was roaming the house looking for my phone with my tits hanging out through the nursing flaps. That was just the beginning of the decline. In the past six years, I became the lowest person on the totem pole. I forgot all about me. I forgot about all of the things I used to do and I forgot all about taking care of myself. What I had become was “Mom”. Period. End of story.

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My Kid’s a Thief. Now What the Hell Do I Do?

The funny thing about parenting (and running a funny parenting blog) is that you never really know what’s going to come next. You may think you have it under control, that you’re navigating the choppy waters successfully, avoiding all the circling sharks, but the next thing you know, bam! You cut your toe open on a jagged lego piece and the sharks move in the for the kill.

That’s a bit dramatic I’ll admit, but it’s exactly how I felt the day I found out my five-year-old son was a thief. Continue reading

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: A Retrospective

I realize the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show aired several weeks ago, which in this day and age is equivalent to an entire lifetime, but with two kids, a job etc. etc. I will most likely never be the first to write about anything pop-culture related. I did have some thoughts while watching the show though, so I decided to share them with you today, a month later. We’ll call it a “throwback” post so it seems cooler. Some of my thoughts were fleeting; Is Bruno Mars really that short? Should I get hair extensions? Oh look, there’s Kylie Jenner, again. This sandwich could really use some mustard, just to name a few. But some stuck with me longer and here they are, in no particular order.

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How I Ruined Date Night with One Simple Mistake

My husband recently turned 37 and to celebrate I decided to take him to a restaurant in our neighborhood that serves a 96 ounce steak. We did not order this steak, but I just wanted you to know that there is a place on the health-crazed, kale-obsessed Westside of Los Angeles that will still serve meat in massive quantities, and for this I am thankful. I digress. The only problem with my plan was that none of our regular babysitters were available. In these instances we have one of two choices. Continue reading

The Dirty Truth About Running A Mom Blog

Hello Dearests!

We are so tickled that we have made it one year, making you laugh and/or roll your eyes in disgust here at Mommy Dearest Inc. Wow, what a year! We started this venture so unaware of what launching and running a blog entailed. The old saying, “The blind leading the blind” really rings true when observing us trying to figure out Word Press. The night before the launch, Theresa and Susan tried to code something and the entire site shit the bed. Thank God for Dennis (our Web Guy), who had that baby up and running – $125 later. And then, on the morn of October 20, 2015 we launched MDI and the followers just started pouuuurrriiing in. It was like an overnight success amongst our moms, aunts, sisters, cousins and a handful of friends. What a shock to learn that launching a blog was not the only thing you have to do for it to be successful. Who knew? Continue reading

Halloween, Where We Went Wrong and How To Get Your Spooky Groove Back

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My sister, age 5. Self created costume. Pure genius.

It hit me the other week as I gleefully strolled into Target (alone). The dollar section was bursting with everything orange, black and purple. Halloween is looming just around the corner! We haven’t even finished the Halloween candy from last year and I am already facing one of the biggest judgmental holidays of the year. The main offenders are, of course, the two major events of the day. So grab a couple of “fun size” Snickers and let’s talk about them, shall we? Continue reading

Raising a Free Range Child in 2016

Please don't jump, please don't jump!
Please don’t jump, please don’t jump!

Parenting these days is tough and there’s no denying that all of the information out there can be confusing and contradictory. Since there has been so much helicoptering in recent years and not enough Xanax to go around, experts and non-the-like are coming out with articles, posts and books about letting our children have more freedom. Our kids, like our eggs, have to be “Free Range”.  There’s only one problem, sometimes when people try and put to practice this exciting, “Free-Range Parenting” or what our parents used to call “Parenting”, they end up in the slammer. Continue reading

The Great Debate – Then vs. Now

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My Mom

Upon giving birth, my usual list of worries was replaced by a list of grave fears. What was once no big deal suddenly became a huge deal. Like, what if I forget to clean the dryer vent and it starts a fire while we are napping or what if we run out of Organic Baby Shampoo and I am forced to rub my child’s pristine scalp with carcinogens? I often wonder what my daughter will worry about if she has children and think about what my own Mom worried about when we were little. With social media breathing down our necks every second and a sanctimommy lurking around every corner just waiting to judge, motherhood has become something that you MUST excel at, no matter the circumstance. My Mom recently told me that when I was little, kids just played. That’s just what we did. We went outside with our bikes and our friends and came back at lunch or dinner. Parents were not checking in with other parents to make sure they only served organic carrots at a play date. Hell, we were eating raw hot dogs at everyone’s houses all of the time and that was OK! Do we “over-parent” kids now or are times now different with more things to worry about? Let’s take a look at some of the differences. Continue reading

5 Reasons why you need a Mom Group

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Me and my sidekick.

Let me just cut to the chase, prior to having my baby, the term “Mom Group” made me, well, cringe. I imagined the “stroller parking lot” at CPK teeming with crusty strollers filled with gummed up yogurt melts, crushed Goldfish, Cheerio smithereens and shellacked with a thick coat of apple juice. I envisioned a herd of moms trying to hold a conversation and eat a civilized lunch while their infants screamed and toddlers built forts under the table. I feared that along with my bundle of joy, my “parting gift” from the hospital would include a pair of black yoga pants, a spit-up stained tee shirt, an eighty ounce coffee mug and a year subscription to the “I Only Wear Slut Buns” club. Let me also say that I was foolishly under the impression that everything would be all rainbows and gumdrops after MY baby arrived. My plan would look something like Reese Witherspoon with her new baby; pulled together, glamorous, calm and collected. Little did I know the shit storm that was about to be unleashed into my world.

Flash forward to having an 8-week-old baby and after having yet another humiliating breakdown during my lactation consultant appointment, she kindly suggested (urged) that I join a Mom Group. I was so lonely and sad that I agreed to go, seeing that I wasn’t meeting anyone while holed up in my bathroom crying. So ladies, I bestow upon you this pearl of wisdom, unless you are a “sister wife” (minus the total creeper husband) and have your Mom Group living with you, you need to get your hustle on and find yourself a team of supporters. Here are the top five reasons why:

1 – Surprise! Your problems are not unique!

During the depths of our eight-week pediatrician-imposed lockdown, I was completely unaware that there were other new moms out there struggling with the same problems. My baby that won’t sleep anywhere other than the Ergo? Yeah, I had nothing on the mom who had to run the vacuum while bouncing on a yoga ball, humming and breastfeeding at the same time. Morale improved already! Strapping on the Ergo began to actually heal my back; it was like popping a few Doan’s and washing them down with a slug of Wild Turkey. And what I had coined “The Warthog Routine” (the snorting, grunting and frantic head thrashing when feeding) was happening right before my eyes to other babies. Previously, I was convinced it was an early indication of some terrible and rare condition. Not that this is a contest in one-upmanship, but talking with other moms who are in the trenches with you is such a relief. Just knowing that someone else was raising a baby warthog was enough support to keep me going until our next meeting.

2 – Bitches unite!

Perhaps you enjoy the alone time spent sobbing while folding onesies and listening to your baby howl but believe me, you need lady friends. Your baby may be the sweetest, cutest little peanut in the universe but after your partner goes back to work and you are flying solo – suddenly you are staring down the barrel of week six with 12-hour days ahead of you, and the one-sided conversation starts running bone dry. After being out of normal society for weeks, I was so desperate to talk and be around other people, I didn’t care if you had 10 heads, horns, and a tail. If you were at this Mom Group meeting you were fair game and I was going to be your friend, come hell or high water. When I walked into that room, I reeked of desperation. I needed friends who understood what I was going through. Being able to commiserate over your newly found night sweats and hideous mood swings is something only a new mom friend would understand. (Bonus: Your husband will thank you for this since he bears the brunt of both problems.)

3 – You need to get the hell out of the house.

Rejoining the free world seems like an insurmountable task during those first couple of months. Prior to my Mom Group, brushing my teeth required an hour of preplanning and scheduling. After joining the Mom Group, I would turn up the music extra loud to drown out the weird baby noises that gave me massive anxiety and gussy myself up; slap on some lip gloss, put my hair up, dredge up a cute outfit from the bottom of my closet, strap her into her car seat, then immediately take her out again to change her entire outfit due to an up the back blowout diaper and arrive with a few minutes to spare! No sweat (under-boob sweat doesn’t count). Waking up knowing that you have a plan for the day is a game changer, even if it is just going to Starbucks, everyone is just happy to get the f*ck out of the house.

4 – Your breast pump is not talking to you.

The same phenomenon as the hairdryer applies to the breast pump – turn it on and suddenly you think you have heard the doorbell or the baby crying – turn it off, go check, find nothing and repeat. I spent hours with that pump. HOURS. 3 out of 4 times I would have to turn it off because of phantom noises. Chalk it up to reasons 1, 2 and 3. Or perhaps I was so desperate for someone to talk to that maybe I did just hear the pump say, “Your hair looks great”. Thanks, Medela! Love you too, guuuurl!

5 – Your baby will be happier.

I know this sounds a little extreme but hear me out. After I joined the Mom Group and gained a shred of sanity back into my life, I could see in my baby’s eyes a new sense of calm, a new understanding if you will. Despite being my personal stage-five-clinger, she was happy to be surrounded by other 2 month olds who also hated the car with a burning passion and she thrived each time she spit-up someplace new. She needed all of the same things I needed, friends with something in common, new places to go and new people to see. And I swear, after I started slowing down a mile out from a red light so we never had to actually stop, when I looked in the rearview, she winked at me as if to say, “Yeah Mama, I got you”. We were a team.

The women in the photo below are my Mom Group. They are the ones who welcomed me with open arms when I arrived at my first Mom Group meeting. I would not be where I am today without what they gave to me – hope that things would get better, shoulders to cry on, ears that listened to the good, bad and ugly, they never judged or made me feel like I was doing it all wrong (even when it felt like everything I did was wrong). They had advice and suggestions when needed, kept me company and gave me laughs through the long nights of breastfeeding on our chat group. When everything else in my world was falling apart, they were there for me and THIS is why you need a Mom Group.

_DSC3715 farewell to friend
Photo Credit – Lisa Rayman Goldfarb Photography