We are so tickled that we have made it one year, making you laugh and/or roll your eyes in disgust here at Mommy Dearest Inc. Wow, what a year! We started this venture so unaware of what launching and running a blog entailed. The old saying, “The blind leading the blind” really rings true when observing us trying to figure out Word Press. The night before the launch, Theresa and Susan tried to code something and the entire site shit the bed. Thank God for Dennis (our Web Guy), who had that baby up and running – $125 later. And then, on the morn of October 20, 2015 we launched MDI and the followers just started pouuuurrriiing in. It was like an overnight success amongst our moms, aunts, sisters, cousins and a handful of friends. What a shock to learn that launching a blog was not the only thing you have to do for it to be successful. Who knew?
Lately, we’ve been on a spiritual and emotional journey here at MDI that we’d like to explore with our readers because without opinions from people on the internet, what are we left with? Does anyone know how to go about getting sponsored for full-body laser hair removal? We have spent hours at Le Pain Quotidien trying to come up with a strategy to help us get free beauty treatments and/or plastic surgery so if anyone can help us out here, please pm us. We are not just focused on laser hair removal and Botox but we are continuously on a quest to shape our eye brows just right. Kelly Dearest has been complaining like a little bitch that her threader was tearing off her skin and that was all fun and games until the same said threader shaped Theresa’s brows in a downward sad fashion, which made us all sad. Susan paid a stupid amount of money in Beverly Hills to have her eye brows dyed. Her husband said she looked like this…
He was right.
This year has been filled with ups and downs for sure. Sadly, Susan lost her day job which reaaaalllly sucks. She got paid for doing fairly easy work on her own schedule from home and opportunities like that are not a dime a dozen. Now the only one gainfully employed is Kelly. Susan and Theresa are in desperate need of paid gigs. They can walk dogs although, Susan prefers not to unless the dog is very small and not strong at all and ignores all other dogs and doesn’t poop. Theresa was going to start doing online surveys for cash but got very bored reading the guidelines so that was a bust. They threw around driving for Uber but all of these brainstorming meetings at Le Pain Quotidien started adding up so they decided to put a pin in it and revisit it in a few months. If you know of anyone hiring two assholes that need flexible work schedules and a lot of money, please pm us.
We’ve learned so many new things about each other over the past year. For example, all three of us suffer from chronic diarrhea and we lllooooovvve to talk about it. It comes up almost everyday. Maybe it was our unsteady bowels that drew us together? Maybe that’s where all of this unmanageable success comes from? I guess we’ll never really know. What we do know is where the cleanest, most private and unused bathrooms in LA are. “I’ll meet you down by the Starbucks with the immaculate bathroom”. Say no more, see you in 10. Susan Dearest also had a huge revelation that caffeine was making her anxious and agitating her digestive system. One day, driving in her automobile, chugging a Venti Triple- Shot Latte, she felt like she was having an anxiety attack, so of course she popped a Xanax. As she wrote Kelly and Theresa Dearest that she had to pop a Xani because she had ingested too much coffee, both of them pointed out the fact that maybe she should lay off the coffee for a while. What? Turns out, it was the coffee and she hasn’t had to pop a Xanax since she dumped the caffeine! Again, who knew? Kelly and Theresa are both very proud of her eradicating soothing narcotics from her diet. You go, girl.
Speaking of Bad Moms, did you guys hear they made a movie about us? What? I know! We were so excited to hear about this and we knew we had to act quickly to get ourselves attached to the movie premier somehow. Our idea was to throw this big party and hold a viewing of the movie and it was going to be awesome but our agent (he’s not really our agent, he’s our friend and AN agent but we like to really drive home the level of our crazy) was super busy and couldn’t really help us. We’re not sure but we think it could be because we kept bombarding him with emails and texts messages of this caliber…
At any rate, he never called the police on us, which was super nice. We didn’t end up throwing the party in the end either. Not because of him but because so many people started doing it and we got distracted by a squirrel…or something shiny…or Alexander Skarsgard. At the end of the day, the wonderfully sweet and talented Kristen Bell invited the three of us to attend the very first screening of the film at Warner Bros. Studios and had us sit right next to her and at that moment we were like, “Yeah, ya know what? We really are bad moms…and Kristen Bell knows it”. #BOOYAH
When you run lives as busy as ours, some things can slip through the cracks, it’s only natural. Did we wake up in a panic one day in August because our site had completely disappeared? Yes. Did we do what we always do and call Susan Dearest’s sister, Leenie Dearest to save our asses from some technical disaster? Yes. Apparently, you have to pay for site domains and URLs and emails and similar nonsense EVERY YEAR. The learning process is never-ending. We learned that we need an administrative intern who responds to the name of Katie and is fully open to grocery shopping and making appointments for us, not to mention is free of charge. If you know of anyone like this, please pm us.
In closing, the fact that all three of us are in some sort of therapy or another does not mean that we aren’t #WINNING at life. Actually, we have come so far in such little time. We now have a significant following on Social Media (except for Twitter where we’ve been teetering at 160 followers for the entire year but who cares about Twitter anyway, right? Right?). We have made $45 on sponsorship and paid writing gigs. So what if we have spent well over a thousand dollars in total over the past year? If Dennis wasn’t so damn expensive, we’d be closer to being in the black and out of the red. Dennis, if you are reading this, our lack of financial stability is on you, buddy. We don’t care that we are the ones fucking up the site to no end every time we touch it. You will rue the day you ever charged us when we are on the “Today Show” making fun of you for not knowing our worth but we digress. Where were we? Oh yes, we have been charitable, we have made strong bonds within our mommy blogging community, we have taken over the Scary Mommy Instagram feed THREE times since June. We are reposted on a daily basis. We have become masters of the Vanilla Pen meme generator. We have written things that have made people say horrible, horrible things about us. We have laughed, we have cried, we have held each other up during horrific moments that hopefully most people will never have to endure. We have lost sleep, we have celebrated, we’ve drank wine at extremely inappropriate hours but most importantly we made it through our first year better women, better writers, better moms and better friends. So, if you are thinking of starting a blog, take that shit seriously because it is not easy but boy is it a journey.
Thanks to all of you out there who have supported us from the day one, 50, 300 or starting this morning. Without all of you, there’d be no Mommy Dearest Inc. and we hope to continue to (or start to, we’ll try harder, we promise) make you laugh and forget about your worries, even if just for a hot minute.
We really are looking for an intern who responds to the name Katie and who will do insane shit for us so please send anyone you might know our way.
With sincere appreciation and gratitude,
Kelly, Susan and Theresa
Mommy Dearest Inc.